no limit lots

May 15, 2010

How long do you think it will be before there are speed limit signs in parking lots?

Ironically, the place where we need to be most careful, drive our absolute slowest and be on highest alert is the place where the majority of people put pedal to the metal, using those careless moments on private property to catch up on correspondence, change their song selection, take a swig of Diet Coke.

Frankly, parking lots do not allow for this kind of freedom. Now, you take me to an empty parking lot in front of a deserted department store, and I might make an allowance. But besides that, parking lots are not a free for all.

I think it’s best to view it like a video game. Shopping carts coming at you from all angles. People popping out from between cars. High-speed vehicles taking corners like horses at the Kentucky Derby.

I once watched an old man careen through the Whole Foods parking lot, diagonally cross two rows of parking spots and almost side swipe a neatly-parked vehicle.

Don’t mind him. He’s late for his Golden Girls marathon.

Because we all know, Betty White is sure worth maiming someone for life. I mean, she was on Saturday Night Live.


Death by Truck

February 28, 2010

Cars drive fast.

It doesn’t matter where we are: the highway, a school zone, meandering down a country road, a neighborhood, a regular city street.

Or the conditions: sleet, snow, a hard rain.

It doesn’t change the fact that the guy behind you has to get where he’s going now!

If severe weather hazards can’t stop him, nothing can.

This same outlook goes for truckers.

No matter their size–be it heavy duty big rigs with a dozen wheels spanning the width of your car, tow trucks carrying eight cars on its back, all of them swaying with each bump in the road, or those hauling flammable liquids, that, if toppled, could potentially kill everyone in its path.

That’s not enough to stop them.

They will eagerly and willingly careen down the highway, zipping in and out of traffic as if they are a five-speed, lighter-than-a-feather sports car.

But the problem here is . . . they’re . . . not.

You wanna break the news to them, or should I?

We all know that our city’s broke.

If I were a police officer trying to help my city accumulate funds, my first plan of action would be to stop every semi, write mind-numbingly expensive tickets, and tell the shocked truckers that when they can prove to me their ability to bring their 70-mile-an-hour bullet to a stop in a few feet, instead of a few miles, I will gladly cancel their ticket.

Until then, every time they want to endanger thousands of lives while swerving in and out of traffic at high speeds, I will make sure their heads spin.

Sigh. A girl can dream, right?

traffic violations

February 20, 2010

Emergency vehicles serve a very large, very important need.

They help people in life-threatening situations.

I’m gonna venture to say that EMT’s don’t under normal circumstances use the bright lights and screaming sirens for fun. But that’s just a guess.

It could be that someone on their crew is having an intense sugar attack and really, really needs a donut.

Or maybe someone forgot to mail his utility bill, and his roommate is going to kill him if their lights get turned off again.

I mean all those reasons are valid right?

That must be what drivers are assuming when they fail to move out of the way.

Surely, they aren’t going anywhere that important.

Or my favorite: the people who speed behind an ambulance as everyone in front of the vehicle is forced to move to the side. Perfect way of pushing past everyone to get in that number one spot.

But where does this gutsiness come from?

Being in a car gives off a weird sensation of anonimity. Almost like wearing a mask. But funny thing about those masks: they come off. Same thing as a car, open the car door and the mask disappears.

More people need to reach this realization.

Because surely most individuals would not do half the things they’ll do in traffic if they were not wearing their “mask,” but simply in the grocery store.

Someone cuts you off in the supermarket line, you might roll your eyes or sigh as if tremendously inconvenienced, but most people would just get in another line. Or meekly trail behind the intruder.

In traffic, however, honking, tailgating and possible obscenities are usually involved.

Because, as we all know, that always solves the problem.