Dog Ownership for Dummies

January 18, 2010

My favorite way to start any given morning is getting in the middle of a dog fight. What an excellent way to say, Good morning sunshine! Relax, have a seat. Just watch out for the blood on the curb.

As I stood inside the circle of action occurring on the front lawn today, I couldn’t help but reflect momentarily on delusional dog owners everywhere.

So, I wondered, what were the owners of these dogs thinking about last night before falling asleep?

Were they even remotely concerned with the fact that their dogs were consuming and trashing everything owned by the neighbors next door? Or how about the fact that their adorable pooches barked all night? Or maybe they were praying that no young children strayed out of their house so as to get mauled down by their ferocious beasts.

News flash to ignorant unthinking humans everywhere: what you do affects others.

You know those cigarette laws recently passed? Smokers can’t even stand by buildings and smoke. They have to go away from any place where non-smokers might be. Why? Because the second-hand cigarette smoke that they are producing harms people.

And car insurance? Why do we have that? Oh yeah, to protect innocent people who may be injured due to erratic, unconcerned drivers.

I think the movie Bubble Boy was incredibly ahead of its time but absolutely on point. What I wouldn’t give to put myself and everything I own in a bubble.

Dogs do not speak; they do not reason; they do not worry; they are oblivious to and therefore do not conform to societal norms or expectations. So, why, I ask, do people treat them as such?

Do they naively believe that their dog will think twice before lifting his leg on the neighbor’s mailbox? That he will leave an apologetic note after he tramples their vegetable garden? That instead of fighting tooth and nail, he will arrange for a calm mediation with the neighbor dog when he invades his territory?

No, if you stupidly think that, you should not own a dog. (And quite possibly, should be committed.)

Dogs operate on instinct. A dog steals their food, they endeavor to tear him to shreds. No reasoning involved there. Just pure unadulterated survival-of-the-fittest mentality.

Dogs live in a domesticated society. They rely on humans to domesticate them. Some need more help than others. But no matter what their level of improvement is, it’s your responsibility once you lay claim on him. Your dog is relying on you. When did that become such a challenge for people?

Oh yes, I forgot. We live in a society of lazy, non-working complainers who would rather weigh 500 pounds than lift a barbell. Much less take their poor crying puppy for a walk around the block.

I’m thinking about writing a book. Dog Ownership for Dog Unrealists. It would be one page long with one sentence. “You cannot own a dog.” Then I would rescue their poor mutt and slash their tires.

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